Frankin-senseless

Merry Christmas everyone! I was reading up on the 3 wise men and the nativity and all that business and found out a couple of things. Apparently there probably wasn't 3 wise men, they gave 3 gifts but apart from that the bible doesn't say jack else. Some eastern religions claim up to 12 wise men. It doesn't even say they were kings. so that spoils that christmas carol then........ It also says when they came into the house (not stable) they saw the young child (not baby) and fell down and worshipped him. They where a bit late to the party then. They didn't arrive at the stable with the shepherds, they must have come to the house warming party and met the young toddler jesus not the cute baby jesus. Does this mean that Christmas is all full of crap and there's no point celebrating it? Well if your Crimbo is centred around the 3 wise men then yes. If your christmas is about presents and turkey and nice big glug of booze with the family then no. I know which one I prefer to celebrate.

Secret Ingredients

Another Monday, another comic. The other day I was on the train and overheard some 15 year olds waxing philosophical on all kinds of topics. They talked about how the government 'didn't want to legalise pot because they couldn't tax it'. They said 'you can tax booze and fegs' as you 'can't make them yourself at home'. As they continued with their intellectual debate, they decided to try and create the perfect woman. 'Pixie lat's legs' (I take it they mean Pixie Lott), 'Rihanna's bady' (body) and 'Be-yancy's arse' (Beyonce?). Quite the woman I'm sure you'll agree, although what worries me is that they have no plans for giving her any arms or head. Creepy. I've added a mockup I did of what it might look like....i think they might be on to something......

Saturday the 14th

What does Jason Voorhees do on his days off? You know, when it's not Friday the 13th? He's a big guy who just won't stop. That's determination for. That's commitment. Sports is the perfect outlet for all that physicality he's got pent up, plus he already has that hockey mask. The problem though is that if the crowd start chanting, 'kill kill kill!', then he might actually whip out the machete and start chopping' heads.

The Socialist Network

On the last day of November PastieBap.com/Badhaven.com had a Movember pub quiz in the Hudson Bar. This was mostly for testicular cancer (not for, against really) but also to undo some of the damage that has been done to the humble nose trophy by dictators and the like over the years.
Charlie Chaplin had a toothbrush moustache before Hitler did but it's known as a Hitler Moustache and not a Chaplin one. Stalin had a big ol' handlebar moustache too, making the world a dangerous place for those sans facial hair. So the Movember shenanigans, where men grow moustaches and women draw them on for the month of November, is a charity event to prevent ball cancer and promote the decoration of one's upper lip with a bit of facial tinsel pre Christmas. Sounds like a worthwhile endeavour to me.

While researching this comic I came across a question on yahoo answers that gave me pause for thought....

'Why did Lenin hate Stalin?'

And the most helpful answer as voted by 100% the public?

'Because Stalin made an abusive phone call to Lenin's wife.'

Single White Female

It always seemed weird to me that Snow White woke from her sleep with a kiss from a stranger….seems a bit rapey to me. What’s that saying ‘unless she says YES it’s a NO’. That doesn’t seem to apply here. Maybe it was ‘kiss first, ask questions later’ or ‘blink once for YES and twice for double YES’. If I was wondering round the forest and I came across a comatose princess, I wouldn’t be rushing across the undergrowth to cop a feel (my other half would have something to say about that for a start), I’d be calling an ambulance or I’d finish digging that shallow grave and get the hell out of there.

Freddy vs Eczema

Freddy Kruger was originally intended as pedophile but Wes Craven decided against this to ' avoid being accused of exploiting the spate of highly publicized child molestation cases in California around the time A Nightmare on Elm Street went into production'. This was a wise idea because as much as we need villains in horror movies, we're all really hoping that he catches up with his victims and brutally murders them for our entertainment. This doesn't exactly work the same with a child molester. For some reason it's harder to secretly root for the bad guy when you know he's in with Jimmy Saville* Also as a side note, Robert Englund was on 'Come dine with me' recently and he made cheese on toast. Legend. 

*This Saville reference was sponsored by the foundation of worn out jokes.

Weird Science

The reason that the tele-pods from 'The Fly' as a mode of transport would never be commercially viable is that you would have to travel to work naked each morning. I don't think people would be comfortable arriving each day at the office with their business all hanging out. 'Morning Johnson!', 'Morning sir!', 'Cold out today I see!'.

The only time it wouldn't matter i suppose is for Porn Stars and Glamour models. It's pretty much their job to be naked so it would actually save them a bit of hassle getting ready in the morning, just to take it all off again. Some how I don't think Seth Brundle created the tele-pods so that porn stars could get to work hassle free.

Hogsmeade

Harry Potter's world has changed since the movies became a hit. It's now all commercial and filled with fast food resteraunts and coffee houses, luckily Harry loves fast food and coffee so he's not bothered. My favorite bit in the movies was when Harry Potter had to go and see Gandalf in the headmaster's office with all the other hobbits and they discussed whether to make The Hobbit into 2 movies or 3.

Here's a little insight as to Harry Potter's contribution to the world of  'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' just for the luls. There's a nice little picture of Hogswarts burnt to the ground and a burnt out Thomas the Tank Engine too.
http://www.torontostandard.com/culture/text-book-1

Pumpkin King

Well happy Halloweener everyone! Tonight's the night when all the dead rise and feast on the living and we celebrate by scaring the shit out of each other, only eat fruit dipped in caramel, get drunk and dress in costumes for 15 minutes before taking them off and discarding them due to discomfort. Here's a little bonus comic just for the occasion. When i was going up we carved turnips which are hard as rocks and smell and taste awful. You pretty much needed an adult to do it for you because cutting holes in the turnip or scooping it out was near impossible. This is why they only ever had triangles for eyes and a crappy little grimace. Now we carve pumpkins like the americans and can pretty much carve whatever we like, easy as pumpkin pie. Sometimes I wish we still carved turnips as this required much more skill and dedication. It was also more likely end in a lost finger, a blood soaked vegetable and a Halloween trip to the emergency room.

Lipstick

Halloween is nearly here so I hope you all have your costumes ready. On previous years I've avoided going out into town due to how busy it can be on Halloween night and how expensive it generally is to drink in bars and clubs rather than at home. This year's different however as I'm going to dress up as a drunk for Halloween. This means I can easily bring my own booze out as part of my costume! Two litre bottle of cider in hand, a bottle of cheap whiskey in a brown paper bag and a couple pint bottles of Stella hanging precariously out of each coat pocket. Genius! Halloween is probably the only night of the year when a homeless drunk can have a decent night out. Begging can get him a couple of quid (or he could liberate some roses from a garden and sell them to fellow drunken revelers to give to their one night stands) and pay his way into a club under the pre tense that he's in costume. Once inside all he has to do is play minesweeper and drink the dregs and half empty drinks left around the darkened venue. He could boogie on down, integrate himself into a party who have ordered a round of shots and swipe one before anyone notices! Come to think about it, Halloween's like Christmas for the homeless.

Creatures from the White Lagoon

Why do the KKK dress as ghosts? A quick look on Wikipedia tells you that the costumes are to hide their identities and to scare people. They may not be specifically dressed as ghosts but at Halloween their costumes probably get reused as ghost costumes. To try and get people to join their little racist ‘Klub’ the KKK have made it as exciting as possible. They have positions in the organization such as ‘Exalted Cyclops’ and ‘Grand Wizard’. Is it just me or does all the costumes, secret identities, Cyclops and Wizards sound a bit like some sort of fraternity of Super Villans? Has there ever been an issue of Spider-man where he takes down group of Klansmen as they try to lynch Storm, Luke Cage, The Black Panther and The Falcon (pretty much the only black superheroes I can think of)?

Also worth noting is that the Klan have a secret code for communicating. It’s completely genius, fool proof and not even slightly juvenile or retarded. They pretty much just replace the first few letters of every word with ‘KL’. Examples of these ‘code words’ are Klonversation (conversation), Klavern (a cavern or tavern), Klavaliers (cavaliers) and my personal favorite The Kloran (the KKK handbook). The original Kloran was written in 1915 and is made up of the words Koran and the traditional ‘KL’ slapped on the front. There may not have been many Muslims in America in 1915 but I’m guessing now they’re wishing they’d went the name KLible instead……..

Ghostbuster

Another horror themed comic for the run up to Halloween.

I remember a few years back I used to go to a club called the 'Limelight' (now imaginatively renamed 'Limelight 2'). Every week they played the same songs to the point where you could pretty much take bets on what song would come up next. They used to love playing the odd theme tune like Ghostbusters and the A-Team. Everyone would leap out of their seats when they started playing one. Everyone knows the ghostbusters theme, everyone loves it! Everyone would rush and pack the dance floor, eager to show the world though dance how much they love 80's TV shows and movies!

Once they got there however the reality would sink in. As they tried to 'bust a groove' to the ghostbusters theme they would realise that you can't dance to most theme tunes. You can't pull off some nifty dance moves to ghostbusters. All you can really do is march in time to the music, dully, for 3 minutes, pausing briefly to tell your friends that you 'ain't afraid of no ghosts'. Slowly but surely after 60 seconds of marching 90% of the people return to their seats and watch the awkward few march in time for the remainder of the song.

And if you think its hard to dance to ghostbusters, try the A-team. You can sing the tune in your head, it sounds exciting doesn't it? Try it on the dance floor, its particularly difficult when the voice over man starts telling you the back story of how they were 'accused of a crime they didn't commit' or whatever. Try dancing to what is essentially an audio book with backing music. So yeah, this comic has a zombie in it. Happy Halloween.

Editors note: I've since been back to the newly refurbished Limelight(2) and it appears theme songs are no longer on the menu. It still smells of armpits and ass though.

Nipples

Halloween is coming soon so I'm gonna try and post some Halloween themed comics. What would happen if all the classic horror monsters went on holiday together? I reckon they'd just hang by the pool all day. Dracula would be drinking sangria, staying in the shade. The wolf man would be topping up his tan. The creature from the black lagoon would be having a swim obviously. I wrote this comic after I noticed that my male dog has like a dozen nipples or something. 2 on a male human seems a bit weird but to give so many to a male dog just seems madness!

Big Boned

Not a lot to say about this comic. Apparently that penguin and Skeleton boy have some Photoshop skillz though. I got a new puppy last week. He’s a Pug and has a face like a dog that’s been hit by a shovel and eyes like a crack addict. Naturally the first thing I did was Photoshop (via an iphone app) it to look like Thor. Naturally.

Marrow Escape

Halloween is coming and the goose is getting fat which is why I've posted a horror themed comic. Are zombies the living dead risen from their graves or are they sufferers of plague or virus? Who knows? Who cares? I think I prefer the grave risen zombies, the more occult style ones. The other ones could conceivably claim DLA though. They are clearly too sick to work. They have low concentration and not much hand eye coordination. If anything we should feel sorry for that second category of zombies rather than judge and fear them.

Political

The problem with politicians is that anyone who wants to be one shouldn’t be allowed to be one. It doesn’t make sense. It’s such a dull tedious thankless task that only complete idiots with massive egos want to do it because of the perceived power or fame. When really, they all just end up being hated and caught out in a hotel bedroom with a horse mask on and 14 Vietnamese prostitutes by the Sun. The only interesting or memorable politicians are wartime ones like Hitler and Churchill and if you’re living under a wartime politician then they haven’t been doing their job very well have they?

Islam

Now I may have had my say about various beliefs in the past, poking fun Christianity for example or other belief systems with no basis on fact. Islam on the other hand is different. Unlike ALL other religions, it is very open discussion and is very much open to the idea that its holy book (which is the verbatim word of the one true God, praise Allah!) doesn’t have all the answers. Muslims are very much known for their willingness to hold up their hands and say ‘I don’t have all the answers, maybe we should see all the supporting evidence first’. Of all the religions, Islam is slow to anger and rational of thought. It is the one religion of which we have nothing to fear. I’d love to draw a nice big happy smiley picture of Muhammad, to represent Islam’s good nature but I think you get the idea.

Cold Feet

Today's comic features some dismembered feet. Currently my brain can't come up with anything more than that so that's going to have to do you. No stories about Dragons or Unicorns, no explaination as to why I've spelt Dragons and Unicorns with capital letters either. You're just going to have to accept this rather poor comic as this week's offering. Satisfied? Me neither.

Ghosts

There’s no such thing as Ghosts but there are such things as Zombies. I should know, I was one. They hired me for a period of about 6 months part time as part of the bridge to employment scheme from the job centre. I had to fill in all kinds of forms so that they could make sure I wasn’t some kind of weirdo. Then there was the police background check which took around 2 weeks. Pretty extensive. So next time you go criticising Zombies just remember that they are highly skilled individuals on their way back to the work force.

Organic Produce

Organic vegetables just sound wrong to me. It makes me think of organs, which is not usually a selling point for vegetables. Penn and Teller did an episode of ‘Bullshit’ on Organic food where they had a tasting stall with 2 plates with some banana on them. One was Organic and one was normal and they were labeled as such. Various people then came over and tried a piece of each and were asked for their thoughts. I can’t remember the actual words they used but the general consensus was that the ‘Organic’ banana was far nicer than the regular one. It was fresher, tastier, had a more ‘banana-y’ flavour. It tasted healthier and the normal one didn’t taste quite up to scratch. So there you have it. In a taste test organic comes out top. It even tastes better and is better for you! End of story!

Editor’s note: Before they began the experiment Penn and Teller cut a regular banana in two and put half on the plate labeled normal and the other half on the plate labeled Organic.

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Archery

Well that's the end of the Olympics. Everyone can go back to talking about football. 

I’ll leave you with and excerpt from the Wikipedia page for the 3rd Olympic games held in 1904 in St Louis, USA. I think you’ll agree that if anything the London 2012 Olympics where better than this……… although it depends on your definition of better I suppose. London’s weren’t quite so funny.

‘The marathon was the most bizarre event of the Games. It was run in brutally hot weather, over dusty roads, with horses and automobiles clearing the way and creating dust clouds. The first to arrive at the finish line was Frederick Lorz, who actually rode the rest of the way in a car to retrieve his clothes, after dropping out after nine miles. The car broke down at the 19th mile, so he re-entered the race and jogged back to the finish line. When the officials thought he had won the race, Lorz played along with his practical joke until he was found out shortly after the medal ceremony and was banned for a year by the AAU for this stunt, later winning the 1905 Boston Marathon.

The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics: two Tswana tribesmen named Len Tau (real name: Len Taunyane) and Yamasani (real name: Jan Mashiani). They were not in St. Louis to compete in the Olympics, however; they were actually part of the sideshow. They had been brought over by the exposition as part of the Boer War exhibit (both were really students from Orange Free State in South Africa, but this fact was not made known to the public). Len Tau finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Len Tau could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.’

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Equestrian

Horse Riding is a weird sport for the Olympics. It’s basically a test to see who can train the best horses. It’s like Krufts but with horses. The thing is though, the horses don’t have to be from the country competing. So France could have a German horse winning a medal for France! Mental! I think each country should have to enter an indigenous animal to ride on instead. The Indians could have Elephants, the Spanish could have Bulls and the Chinese could have Pandas! Oh the Pageantry! Here come the Scotts riding their enormous Haggis! Hurrah! 

 

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: 100 Metres

So Usain Bolt has won the 100 metres and claimed the Olympic Gold. What fun. His last name is Bolt and people seem to think that with a name like that he was preordained to be ace at running. This doesn’t make a lot of sense though. Perhaps if his name was Thomas Swift, Jimmy Runrealfast or John Speed, it would make sense (although the latter would imply that he should have rigorous drugs testing). If the name Bolt suggests anything it’s that he’s a thunder god like Zeus or Thor. Perhaps the bolt in his name alludes to the fact that he’s some kind of Frankenstein’s monster, although he doesn’t have bolts in his neck so that doesn’t make sense. I guess we’ll just have to settle for the fact that in Jamaica ‘Bolt’ is a surname and Usain happens to have it……

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Swimming

Word on the street is that some Chinese teenager beat everyone at swimming the other day. I have a limited knowledge of swimming or indeed any sport so I'm just going to say that she got a gold medal for the 'Froggy Paddle' event. Everyone's up in arms speculating that she's a 'doper' (is dope the best drug to be taken when going swimming anyway?) and has only won because she's obviously on drugs. Her swim was described as 'disturbing' by one onlooker who may or may not have something to do with the 'Swimming and Banana Boating Association of America'. Well all I can say is that she may not be on drugs but she IS definitely a creation of China's aggressive 'Superhuman Olympic Cloning Program for the Promotion of Communisim, th Destruction of Sporting Rivals and the Enslavement of Tibet' or SOCPPCDSRET as it's called for short. (It looks snappier in Chinese writing). I know all this because I saw the 'Made in China' sticker on her foot.

I would also like to add that chinese food is among the most delicious in the world.......excluding dog.

Mumblecore

Well I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises' the other day and thought it was pretty good. I didn't want to be bothered seeing it in the cinema, what with gun toting maniacs on the loose, so I decided to download an illegal copy from the inter webs. My favourite part was when they had to try and get Batman back to his home planet but all the FBI dudes where chasing them and Batman had to sit in the basket in the front of the bat-bike and he made it fly past the moon with his magical finger. I liked his little red hoody better than his last costume too. A bit more practical than having a big flappy cape. All in all I'd give it an 8 out of 10 if only for the fact that Bane was no where to be seen and I'm pretty sure I saw him in the trailer. Maybe he was on the spaceship somewhere and didn't want to get off as he'd get his feet wet.

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Boxing

Well the Olympics officially starts today. London 2012 and all that. What I can't figure out is why they've had some football matches already? why have an opening ceremony on a Friday if you're gonna start the games beforehand? Not only that but they showed South Korea's flag instead of North Korea's flag and the North Koreans refused to play for about an hour, the equivalent of taking your ball and going home, except your home is on another continent so you might as well stay and play. Still bit of a faux pas, eh? Something tells me that little fella that replaced Kim Jong Il would start a nuclear war over less. I have included a picture for reference.

Floor Spiders

Ok folks it's time for some spider facts!

1. Spiders are the number one food source for orphaned children in New South Wales

2. Lesbians are immune to spider bites. No matter how many bites they get, they won't even notice. This doesn't stop them being afraid of them.

3. The biggest spiders in the world are found in the Antarctic and feed mostly on penguin eggs.

4. The giant spider 'Shelob' (click for video) from Lord of the Rings is the same one that lives in my shed.

5. The forrest dwelling spiders in the Harry Potter movies are played by the same spiders from Arachnophobia.

6. Jeff Daniels auditioned for the spider in the TV adaptation of Charlotte's web.

7. A house spider's favourite biscuit is the Hobnob. Money spiders prefer Viscounts.

8. Spider-man is a fictional character and is not actually a spider.

Children's Illustrated Bible

I always wanted to be a children's bible illustrator. Specifically only illustrating works of biblical fiction. This was until I found out that you couldn't add any artistic licence. Dinosaurs eating Adam and eve was visually stunning but frowned upon. If you're going to go to all that bother teaching kids that the world is 6000 years old and that 2 of every kind of animal in the world could fit on a boat, why not have a dragon in a sailor suit as the captain? If you're going to have Jesus walk on water why not have him in a top hat and tails with a magic wand and a scantily clad assistant? When you have Jesus come back from the dead, why not have him in full flesh rotting zombie glory!

Game of Game of Thrones

Well Now that Game of Thrones season 2 is over there's not a lot going on of a Monday night. I was expecting Ned Stark to return to the series atop a fire engine riding through the gates of hell, but alas they decided to stay more faithful to the books. My favourite character is Peter Dinklage's Tyron Lannister. Not because he's a midget but because he's a dwarf, (they didn't have midgets back then or wherever it's set). Well I hope you like the comic, I'll leave you with a little factoid though. Whilst Sean Bean played Ned Stark in the TV show, in the book he was played by Michael Palin! Bizarre!

Follow us and leave your comments on Facebook.com/theskeletonblog and all that. Good Morrow!

Slavery Ring

Another week another comic! This week's offering is Slavery Ring, featuring a guest appearance by 'The Bible'. He's hard to get but if you can get him, he's a great addition to an ensemble cast. There's also this blue guy and this orange guy who I think play their roles well. If you've enjoyed it why not like our new facebook page and leave us a comment? www.facebook.com/theskeletonblog It's simples!

Promootheus

Went to see Ridley Scott's Prometheus the other week. Pretty good I thought. Not as great as all the hype but it still left me wanting to see more. There's something that's always bothered me about that big spaceship from alien though. It doesn't really look like it can fly. It looks like a big magnet or a set of antlers. Or even a giant horse shoe from a giant space horse! Maybe that's gonna be in the sequel. A giant space horse! Wow! I can't wait to see it now. I'll go pre order my tickets!

If you liked the comic follow us on Facebook.com/theskeletonblog. New comic every Monday.

The Queens Jubilee

Well the Queen's been having a right old time hasn't she? She was at that thing with all the boats,  that thing with all the music and a man drives her crown around in a big carriage! Amazing! I think I'm going to have a jubilee next year myself.

Dinosaur Website

With all this sunny weather I thought I'd post this little number about a dinosaur website as it's in no way related. What would a dinosaur website be like I hear you ask, what would be on there? Well I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say everything! It'd be great! News articles pertaining to dino culture, a velociraptor cookery spot. There'd be pictures of dinosaurs out and about, getting blitzed, having a good time. It'd have horoscopes and an agony aunt page for dino problems. Celeb column with all the goss and pictures of your favourite dinosaurs getting into scrapes and maybe even the odd nip slip. It'd be awesome and you know it, don't listen to those diplodocus.

Let there be light

Not a lot going on in this one. Check out the beard on God though. Thats a pretty sweet beard. This was at the start of the bible so imagine the beard he'd have now! Massive!

Mushrooms

Mario's had quite a few mushrooms in his time, what's that about? Why mushrooms? Why not some more respectable form of vegetable? Carrots that let him see in the dark? Spinach for strength? No, its mushrooms. Green, blue, red etc. Eat mushrooms and crazy shit happens! Come back to life Grow 20 feet tall! Weird business all that, and don't get me started on his adventures through all those pipes.....

Dental Deficiency

I went to the dentist once. He poked at my mouth for ages, then took out a big drill and put some braces in my mouth. Actually no, it wasn't braces it was brackets. Yes he took out a big drill and put some brackets in my mouth and put up a couple of nice shelves. Actually it might not have been my mouth, maybe it was the wall. Yes that's it he got me to hold the brackets while he drilled holes in the wall and put up a few shelves for his golfing trophies. Actually I'm begining think that he wasn't a real dentist after all. 

Lens Cap

Welcome back to the all new Skeleton Blog! Thanks to my brother I now own a dot com! So make sure you visit theskeletonblog.com and not skeletonblog.com as instead of mildly amusing pictorials, you'll get some crap about human bobsledding or something. This is my first comic in a while, near 4 months actually so hopefully you like it. I know i don't! Click the picture to make it bigger.