The Heist

Another name for this comic could be 'There's always money in Philadelphia'. Is that better? It kind of is maybe. I like puns. I also like the idea that the back to basics animalistic hunter, Kraven, loves his gadgets in his spare time. Ordering ubers and watching iplayer no his smart phone. As a bonus, here's their plans for the heist that you cant really see in the background. Think of it as a DVD extra.

Weakness

The Green Goblin is the worst isn't he? He's just a pure dick. The sinister six went out for dinner and drinks and when they went to split the bill he was all like ' I only had the salad for starters and Marc had 3 beers when I only had a Shandy, I don't see why I should pay for The Scorpion's beers and all your battered mushrooms and cheese sticks'. Doesn't he know how this works? How long has he been a villain? The goal is always to order crispy duck for starters and the 16oz steak for mains so that no matter what, when it comes time to split the bill, you're quids in. Even if you aren't hungry, you might as well go hard or go home.

Pesky Kids

Do you think Spider-Man has Spider-Man pyjamas?  I bet he does. So if anyone catches him coming back in at night he can just pretend he's in his pyjamas. Pretty smart when you think about it. There's always been something about Scooby Doo that I thought wan't quite right and I know what it is now. Scooby's not on a lead (leash?). It's not like he's a real good dog all the time and never runs off. He's always running off. Away from ghosts etc. Most places that allow dogs expect you to have them on a lead. Mystery Inc. are really betraying people's trust there.

Civil War

We don't need no civil war. Amiright guys? Well turns out, contrary to what Captain America says, we do. Guns n' Roses were wrong. Captain america 3 would be a lot less interesting with out him and Iron Man going at it. It does look like a pretty sweet picnic though. Check out all that food. They even brought Ant-Man along to serve the tea! Maybe Axl and Slash were right after all.....

Gun Show

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Catch

The trailer for the new Batman vs Superman film is out. You can see it here among other places.
A crappy version leaked last week so Warner Brothers popped the HD version online. It's all dark and moody and there's Daredevil dressed as Batman dressed as a robot. So check it out for yourself.

Cockeye

So we have a trailer for age of ultron and it looks pretty good. Hawkeye even has a big flappy bit on his costume like cockeye does here, hanging down by his legs. My brother Chris and I came up with the idea of cockeye on the train one day much to our amusement. It's taken a while for him to be transformed into a comic but at least we've found a use for hawkeye's old costume. Lets face it, he was never gonna wear that in the movies.

Ok so it's 2 flappy bits but you get what I mean

Dr. Strange

So Marvel has their Dr. Strange. First Sherlock then Khan now Strange. Benedict Cumberbatch is an odd name. Its like the most aristocratic of made up names. You couldn't even make it more ridiculous if you double barrelled it or even triple barrelled it. Benedict Cumberbatch-Camden-Jenkins. See? That's not even worse. It might even be better. It makes Englebert Humperdinck look like John Brown.

Guns

How about that new Avengers film huh? What's that you say? Its been out for over a year? Well I didn't see you making a comic about it when it was in cinemas, its not my fault that my output isn't exactly topical, these things take time, I've been planning my wedding, designing invitations, getting portions of my lungs removed. I've been busy guys, cut me some slack huh? Hawkeye and Black Widow don't exactly fit in the Avengers do they? You could argue that they were there fighting aliens as part of shield but i didn't exactly see anyone else from shield fighting the aliens. I didn't see any army or military either. We did have some cops though and Captain America in his nice blue helmet that makes him look like a penis. Sorry cap but it really does. Aside from any phallic interpretations I thought the film was a lot of fun but what do you care what I think huh? I can't even be bothered to post a comic every Monday never mind one that's topical. Well maybe I'll have one on Scottish independence next week huh? Lets see how you like that!

Coming next Monday: A comic about American Independence (with heavy references to a film starring Will Smith released in 1996)

Raccoons

Pocahontas and Guardians of the Galaxy have a lot in common. Both have animated raccoons (Meeko and Rocket) and talking trees (Groot and Grandmother Willow). Ok maybe they don't have a lot in common but it was worth a try. I saw Guardians the other day (thats right I'm on first name terms with a movie, deal with it) and it was as good as expected with an excellent retro 70's soundtrack. Chris Pratt was great as Starlord, big Dave's wooden acting actually suited Drax's character and got a fair few (intentional) laughs. Groot was played by Vin Diesel for some reason, I'm guessing Vinny was just happy to be involved, lets face it I'd do mo cap for Groot for free if needed (although Howard the duck would be more my size) and saying I am Groot 40 times into the microphone isn't all that taxing......

Death in the family

One of the key ingredients to being a superhero is dead relatives. Then you can go 'Noooooooooo!' and swear vengeance. My homelife's pretty good, no dead parents, I've not been bitten by nuclear insects, or frozen in time. Also I'm not an alien. I guess I'll just have to continue writing and drawing these stupid comics.

Fridge Magneto

There's a new x-men movie out soon. Days of future past. The x-men go traveling to the past or something or maybe the future. I'm not really sure. It's been a while since I read the comic. All I'm concerned about is why they aren't traveling to the the past to remake 'X-men: The last stand' as it was awful. They could remake the first Wolverine movie too. These x-men misusing their time traveling powers to save the world instead of using them to remake crappy movies. I just don't get it.

The Thing

Reed Richards elastic, Johnny is the Human Torch. Sue can disappear from sight and Thing? He just likes to fight. They are the four. Fantastic Four. They're making a new Fantastic Four movie (of course they are) and they're gonna maybe have some black dude as the human torch (of course they are). The internet has a lot to say about this. I'm not sure that I do. Maybe you should go on the internet and see what people are saying? Maybe not. Maybe you're already on the internet reading this. Maybe you should form your own opinion? All I know is that the movie wont be better than John Carpenter's The Thing. That movie is awesome. It has a head with spider legs and Kurt Russell and flamethrowers and snow and a black guy! What more could you want?

Who is 'The Batman'?

Ben Affleck eh? I didn't see that coming. To be fair I actually thought the Daredevil movie wasn't awful and Affleck has been making some decent movies lately. Maybe he can do it. There are some things about Christian Bales's performance which aren't the best (like his hilariously gravely voice and his pointy chin rather than the classic square jaw) but he's a terrific Batman. Maybe they've seen something we haven't. He wouldn't have been my first choice but I'll wait and see. Heath Ledger seemed an odd choice for the Joker as I recall. We'll just have to wait and see what the Batfleck has to offer.

Magnets

This comic obviously works best if you read Xavier's part in Patrick Stewart's voice. Although I'm guessing you did that automatically. Magneto is a douche who ran a group called 'The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants'. This is the worst possible name for a terrorist organisation. When you put the word evil in the title of your group you're probs gonna attract a certain shady individual.

Captain America

When Captain America throws his mighty shield! All those who oppose his will will surely yield! That's the words to the old Captain America cartoon theme tune which basically says all must yield to the will of this super soldier or die (kinda). It sounds a bit harsh but yield rhymes with shield so all's good. I always found it weird that Captain america is a drugged up super soldier, it wasn't an accident, he was pumped up with the comics version of super steroids.... it reads more like a super villain origin than a hero. So the only way to grow up big and tough like Hulk Hogan and Captain America is to eat your vitamins and take yer steroids kids!

Crimson and Gold

While making this comic I discovered the difference between 'armour' and 'armor'. Americans use armor and the UK uses armour. This would be interesting if it wasn't so dull. Game of Thrones on the other hand is very interesting, as is Iron Man. Here's a few things I learned whilst on line not looking up the difference between armour and armor.

Julian Glover (Grand Maester Pycelle) was in The Empire Strikes Back as General Veers aswell as Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade as Walter Donovan.  Michelle Fairley (Catelyn Stark) was Hermione’s Mum in Harry Potter. Harry Lloyd (who plays Viserys Targaryen ) is the great-great grandson of Charles Dickens.

Most of these came from Uproxx.com so check that out for more of the same.
Also here's the Joffery/ Bieber tumbler that's been doing the rounds, just for the lulz.
http://joffreybieber.tumblr.com

Enemy at the Gates

Loki's helmet always looked a little cumbersome to me. Awesome but impractical. In the comics Thor spoke with like a Shakespearean thing going on, 'Thou hast been slain!' etc. This is a bit weird considering he's a Norse God. Also in the comics I guess they didn't know what to do with him so they gave him an alter ego 'Donald Blake' which is bizarre. Donald is a mild mannered doctor who hits a stick off things to become the 'Thunder God Thor'! When the film came out all the white supremacists were up in arms because the Norse God 'Heimdall' was played by one of those dark skinned fellows 'Idris Elba'. Seems that the KKK are comic fans, I suppose that explains their love of costumes and secret identities. Anyway they boycotted the movie or something because they changed a fictional character's skin colour.

Dress Up 2

The first Fantastic Four movie was kinda meh. The thing was a big rubber power rangers villain (this guy is supposed to be able to go toe to toe with The Hulk remember) and Doctor Doom was that guy from Nip Tuck...... the less said about that the better. Chris Evans as the Human Torch was good but lets face it....it was a bit crappy. Fantastic Four 2 was also meh. They had Galactus as a villain but they didn't show him. WTF? This is a giant robot looking' guy with a massive purple helmet (*ahem*) who EATS planets.....how awesomely insane would that be in a movie? Apparently too awesome for Fox to show us.  Here's how I imagine he should have made his grand entrance in the third act of the movie....

Mumblecore

Well I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises' the other day and thought it was pretty good. I didn't want to be bothered seeing it in the cinema, what with gun toting maniacs on the loose, so I decided to download an illegal copy from the inter webs. My favourite part was when they had to try and get Batman back to his home planet but all the FBI dudes where chasing them and Batman had to sit in the basket in the front of the bat-bike and he made it fly past the moon with his magical finger. I liked his little red hoody better than his last costume too. A bit more practical than having a big flappy cape. All in all I'd give it an 8 out of 10 if only for the fact that Bane was no where to be seen and I'm pretty sure I saw him in the trailer. Maybe he was on the spaceship somewhere and didn't want to get off as he'd get his feet wet.