Monday 27 August 2012


There’s no such thing as Ghosts but there are such things as Zombies. I should know, I was one. They hired me for a period of about 6 months part time as part of the bridge to employment scheme from the job centre. I had to fill in all kinds of forms so that they could make sure I wasn’t some kind of weirdo. Then there was the police background check which took around 2 weeks. Pretty extensive. So next time you go criticising Zombies just remember that they are highly skilled individuals on their way back to the work force.

Monday 20 August 2012

Organic Produce

Organic vegetables just sound wrong to me. It makes me think of organs, which is not usually a selling point for vegetables. Penn and Teller did an episode of ‘Bullshit’ on Organic food where they had a tasting stall with 2 plates with some banana on them. One was Organic and one was normal and they were labeled as such. Various people then came over and tried a piece of each and were asked for their thoughts. I can’t remember the actual words they used but the general consensus was that the ‘Organic’ banana was far nicer than the regular one. It was fresher, tastier, had a more ‘banana-y’ flavour. It tasted healthier and the normal one didn’t taste quite up to scratch. So there you have it. In a taste test organic comes out top. It even tastes better and is better for you! End of story!
Editor’s note: Before they began the experiment Penn and Teller cut a regular banana in two and put half on the plate labeled normal and the other half on the plate labeled Organic.

Monday 13 August 2012

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Archery

Well that's the end of the Olympics. Everyone can go back to talking about football. 
I’ll leave you with and excerpt from the Wikipedia page for the 3rd Olympic games held in 1904 in St Louis, USA. I think you’ll agree that if anything the London 2012 Olympics where better than this……… although it depends on your definition of better I suppose. London’s weren’t quite so funny.

‘The marathon was the most bizarre event of the Games. It was run in brutally hot weather, over dusty roads, with horses and automobiles clearing the way and creating dust clouds. The first to arrive at the finish line was Frederick Lorz, who actually rode the rest of the way in a car to retrieve his clothes, after dropping out after nine miles. The car broke down at the 19th mile, so he re-entered the race and jogged back to the finish line. When the officials thought he had won the race, Lorz played along with his practical joke until he was found out shortly after the medal ceremony and was banned for a year by the AAU for this stunt, later winning the 1905 Boston Marathon.
The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics: two Tswana tribesmen named Len Tau (real name: Len Taunyane) and Yamasani (real name: Jan Mashiani). They were not in St. Louis to compete in the Olympics, however; they were actually part of the sideshow. They had been brought over by the exposition as part of the Boer War exhibit (both were really students from Orange Free State in South Africa, but this fact was not made known to the public). Len Tau finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Len Tau could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.’

Thursday 9 August 2012

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Equestrian

Horse Riding is a weird sport for the Olympics. It’s basically a test to see who can train the best horses. It’s like Krufts but with horses. The thing is though, the horses don’t have to be from the country competing. So France could have a German horse winning a medal for France! Mental! I think each country should have to enter an indigenous animal to ride on instead. The Indians could have Elephants, the Spanish could have Bulls and the Chinese could have Pandas! Oh the Pageantry! Here come the Scotts riding their enormous Haggis! Hurrah! 


Monday 6 August 2012

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: 100 Metres

So Usain Bolt has won the 100 metres and claimed the Olympic Gold. What fun. His last name is Bolt and people seem to think that with a name like that he was preordained to be ace at running. This doesn’t make a lot of sense though. Perhaps if his name was Thomas Swift, Jimmy Runrealfast or John Speed, it would make sense (although the latter would imply that he should have rigorous drugs testing). If the name Bolt suggests anything it’s that he’s a thunder god like Zeus or Thor. Perhaps the bolt in his name alludes to the fact that he’s some kind of Frankenstein’s monster, although he doesn’t have bolts in his neck so that doesn’t make sense. I guess we’ll just have to settle for the fact that in Jamaica ‘Bolt’ is a surname and Usain happens to have it……

Wednesday 1 August 2012

Skeleton Boy at the Olympics: Swimming

Word on the street is that some Chinese teenager beat everyone at swimming the other day. I have a limited knowledge of swimming or indeed any sport so I'm just going to say that she got a gold medal for the 'Froggy Paddle' event. Everyone's up in arms speculating that she's a 'doper' (is dope the best drug to be taken when going swimming anyway?) and has only won because she's obviously on drugs. Her swim was described as 'disturbing' by one onlooker who may or may not have something to do with the 'Swimming and Banana Boating Association of America'. Well all I can say is that she may not be on drugs but she IS definitely a creation of China's aggressive 'Superhuman Olympic Cloning Program for the Promotion of Communisim, th Destruction of Sporting Rivals and the Enslavement of Tibet' or SOCPPCDSRET as it's called for short. (It looks snappier in Chinese writing). I know all this because I saw the 'Made in China' sticker on her foot.

I would also like to add that chinese food is among the most delicious in the world.......excluding dog.