The Creature from the Gay Lagoon

Having never seen The Creature from the Black Lagoon I don’t know too much about it. What I do know is that ‘The Creature’ looks ridiculously awesome especially for a man in a rubber suit. When it was first released it was shown in glorious two tone 3D pretty nifty eh? Word on the grapevine is that there’s a remake in the works (also 3D).
They should take the 3D a step further and do 4D, they could have cinema attendants throwing buckets of rancid swamp water over the audience and have the Gill Man burst from behind the screen and drag an unsuspecting female into the deep dark waters. The only thing that bothers me about ‘the creature’ is its’ fish lips. There’s nothing particularly scary about fish lips. Jaws never had fish lips and he had a 3D film too. ‘The creature’ seems more gross than scary. I wouldn’t want him to touch me because he’d make me all wet and smell all fishy. This is more of an inconvenience rather than something terrifying. More sort of something that would ruin your day as opposed to a vampire bite that would turn you into the living dead.

Communion

This scene would never happen because churches are filled with crosses and Dracula is allergic to them or something. I never quite figured why that was supposed to be. Do metal ones work or just wood? Do they have to have the wee bloke on it? Does crossing your finger work? Does Dracula just disaprove of organised religion? Is he jealous of all the attention jesus got for rising from the dead? Do Stars of David work? Is that why Jews wore them in concentration camps? To stop vampire's attacking them in their weakened state, turning them into the undead and starting a Yidish Vampire revolt against their Nazi oppressors? To be honest, I don't know.

Tea Time

Most people drink tea about 8 times a day. I drink it about 8 times a year. If it's cold outside people say 'have a cup of cha it'll warm you up'. This I understand but the same people, on a hot summers day, say 'have a brew it'll cool you down'. Well which is it? Does it cool me down or warm me up? Although we all know that they already have made their mind up. It's both apparently, meaning they can squeeze even more cups of tea into the day than is humanly possible.

As a side note I would like to point out that my comic doesnt make sense. Not because it has a skeleton talking to a penguin but because penguins love fish. I would have thought that he would have gladly accepted either kettle of fish. Nom.

Safety Inspector

As much as I like the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it's still not a patch on the original.

Johnny Depp for all his epicness played Willy Wonka as some sort of retarded man-child as opposed to Gene Wilder who played him as a whimsical eccentric. I think the latter works better as Johnny Depp’s Wonka is one that I wouldn’t leave my kids alone with. Tim Burton also gave Wonka the added emotional baggage of having a cruel sweet hating dentist as a father, why does everyone have to have father issues or a father that was never there for them? Presumably Wonka’s father never came to his baseball games either. Also it’s best not to get me started on the Oompa Loompas and their inferior musical numbers.

Gandalf the Douche

The thing you might not know about Gandalf the Grey from Lord of the Rings, is that he dabbled for a while as a driving instructor. You can see why he chose to realign his career down the path of wizardry. Not a great pass to fail ratio. In fact he was so terrible at it that he was banned from driving and has been forced into traveling by horse and cart as well as giant bird.
I drew this comic shortly after my sister Laura failed her driving test. So roughly 3 months ago, in which time she has retaken her test and passed so what I’m trying to say here is that my comics are nothing if not irrelevant.

Frankenstein's Monster

Yay! Monsters! Man I love these guys. Frankenstein never gave his creation a name, something to do with rejecting his creation. I think this was probably the problem with the poor guy. He must have had some sort of personality disorder; after all he was stitched together from a number of different corpses, given the spark of life and then left without a name. How was he supposed to know who he really was ‘as a person’? The obvious thing to do is go on a murderous rampage so that you can ‘find yourself’ ideally do a bit of traveling while you’re at it. Talk to people of different cultures, see their point of view then rip out their still beating hearts and feast on the gooey insides. That’s what I would do anyway.

While doing a bit of internet snooping I found out that there is actually a castle Frankenstein in Germany and that it pre-dates the writing of Mary Shelly’s novel. Mary Shelly was only 18 when she wrote the book and 19 when it was published. It seems odd to me that someone so young could write a book beyond her years so I can only conclude that since that since the castle exists the story must be true. There is no other logical explanation. It is now our duty to track down the monster and give him a name and a national insurance number. I think you will find that he will integrate seamlessly into society and live a full and happy life.