The Creature from the Gay Lagoon

Having never seen The Creature from the Black Lagoon I don’t know too much about it. What I do know is that ‘The Creature’ looks ridiculously awesome especially for a man in a rubber suit. When it was first released it was shown in glorious two tone 3D pretty nifty eh? Word on the grapevine is that there’s a remake in the works (also 3D).
They should take the 3D a step further and do 4D, they could have cinema attendants throwing buckets of rancid swamp water over the audience and have the Gill Man burst from behind the screen and drag an unsuspecting female into the deep dark waters. The only thing that bothers me about ‘the creature’ is its’ fish lips. There’s nothing particularly scary about fish lips. Jaws never had fish lips and he had a 3D film too. ‘The creature’ seems more gross than scary. I wouldn’t want him to touch me because he’d make me all wet and smell all fishy. This is more of an inconvenience rather than something terrifying. More sort of something that would ruin your day as opposed to a vampire bite that would turn you into the living dead.

Communion

This scene would never happen because churches are filled with crosses and Dracula is allergic to them or something. I never quite figured why that was supposed to be. Do metal ones work or just wood? Do they have to have the wee bloke on it? Does crossing your finger work? Does Dracula just disaprove of organised religion? Is he jealous of all the attention jesus got for rising from the dead? Do Stars of David work? Is that why Jews wore them in concentration camps? To stop vampire's attacking them in their weakened state, turning them into the undead and starting a Yidish Vampire revolt against their Nazi oppressors? To be honest, I don't know.

Tea Time

Most people drink tea about 8 times a day. I drink it about 8 times a year. If it's cold outside people say 'have a cup of cha it'll warm you up'. This I understand but the same people, on a hot summers day, say 'have a brew it'll cool you down'. Well which is it? Does it cool me down or warm me up? Although we all know that they already have made their mind up. It's both apparently, meaning they can squeeze even more cups of tea into the day than is humanly possible.

As a side note I would like to point out that my comic doesnt make sense. Not because it has a skeleton talking to a penguin but because penguins love fish. I would have thought that he would have gladly accepted either kettle of fish. Nom.

Safety Inspector

As much as I like the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it's still not a patch on the original.

Johnny Depp for all his epicness played Willy Wonka as some sort of retarded man-child as opposed to Gene Wilder who played him as a whimsical eccentric. I think the latter works better as Johnny Depp’s Wonka is one that I wouldn’t leave my kids alone with. Tim Burton also gave Wonka the added emotional baggage of having a cruel sweet hating dentist as a father, why does everyone have to have father issues or a father that was never there for them? Presumably Wonka’s father never came to his baseball games either. Also it’s best not to get me started on the Oompa Loompas and their inferior musical numbers.

Gandalf the Douche

The thing you might not know about Gandalf the Grey from Lord of the Rings, is that he dabbled for a while as a driving instructor. You can see why he chose to realign his career down the path of wizardry. Not a great pass to fail ratio. In fact he was so terrible at it that he was banned from driving and has been forced into traveling by horse and cart as well as giant bird.
I drew this comic shortly after my sister Laura failed her driving test. So roughly 3 months ago, in which time she has retaken her test and passed so what I’m trying to say here is that my comics are nothing if not irrelevant.

Frankenstein's Monster

Yay! Monsters! Man I love these guys. Frankenstein never gave his creation a name, something to do with rejecting his creation. I think this was probably the problem with the poor guy. He must have had some sort of personality disorder; after all he was stitched together from a number of different corpses, given the spark of life and then left without a name. How was he supposed to know who he really was ‘as a person’? The obvious thing to do is go on a murderous rampage so that you can ‘find yourself’ ideally do a bit of traveling while you’re at it. Talk to people of different cultures, see their point of view then rip out their still beating hearts and feast on the gooey insides. That’s what I would do anyway.

While doing a bit of internet snooping I found out that there is actually a castle Frankenstein in Germany and that it pre-dates the writing of Mary Shelly’s novel. Mary Shelly was only 18 when she wrote the book and 19 when it was published. It seems odd to me that someone so young could write a book beyond her years so I can only conclude that since that since the castle exists the story must be true. There is no other logical explanation. It is now our duty to track down the monster and give him a name and a national insurance number. I think you will find that he will integrate seamlessly into society and live a full and happy life.

Al Gore-asaurus

This comic doesn’t make a whole lotta sense but I quite liked the drawing of the T-Rex and Mashers decided I should paint the Diplodocus Iron Man style.

People are all getting themselves in a funk about global warming and stuff but the dinosaurs never worried about it and they were in Jurassic Park. I like Jurassic Park, especially the second one which had the giant Stegosaurus in it. If I had a pet dinosaur I would choose a Triceratops or a Stegosaurus. I used to think I would have liked a Velociraptor but they might be difficult to train. They would probably eat my guts while I was still alive like Sam Neill said in JP1. Why’d he have to go and ruin it? Anyway we used to have an ice age and it got warmer so we no longer have an ice age but then ice age 2 came out and it was kinda crappy and then the 3rd one came out and it was worse so I don’t know how to fix the worlds problems but I do know that the image of me hurtling along the motorway on top of a Stegosaurus is pretty awesome, so someone should re-invent dinosaurs.

Assault and Battery

Lucky for him he has a get out of jail free app. Not so luck for her.

I decided to update a few of my apps yesterday and because the interwebs cut off, my phone got stuck in a never ending cycle of trying to download updates. This meant that I couldn’t use any of the apps or stop them trying to update without the internet. So as went into the cinema my phone had 80% charge and as I left it had none. Well done apple, that’s a nice little feature ya got there. Its like some sorta app roulette. Either it works and everything’s awesome or it doesn’t and your phone is dead and you have to use your last 60p to phone for a lift home from the payphone at the train station.

“Hey buddy, how come you’re using a payphone? Don’t you have a mobile like everybody else?” someone would say.
“Oh yes of course, I have one of those fancy Iphones you read about on the television.” I’d reply
“Why don’t you use it then?”
“Um….because the battery’s dead.”
“Didn’t you charge it last night before you went to bed?”
“Of course, but it had to download the latest updates for angry birds and gowalla, I can’t just not download updates because I might have to make important calls later in the day!”
“Well, I ‘spose so, when you put it like that it makes sense.”
“Now I’ll just wait for my lift and listen to my Ipod”
“Doesn’t your Iphone have an Ipod in it?”
“Oh yeah… well I guess I’ll just buy a newspaper to read. I’m sure I had 60p on me somewhere.”

Kiss and Make-up

I drew this comic after seeing Kiss in Dublin on the 7th of May. This will give you some idea of the back log of comics I have that are yet to be coloured and posted.
Every one has always made fun of Peter Criss for painting his face like a cat. What people don’t know is that ‘Catman’ was not his first choice. It was 1973 so you could just about get away with that kinda thing but being the shrewd business people that they were they decided against his first choice as they knew that it might be difficult to sell gollywog t-shirts and action figures in the future.

Pixie Dust

Another long comic drought eh? I assure you there is no lack of comic geniusness to come just a lack of time lately to colour and post them. I aim to be somewhat more regular with them now that I’m based back in Belfast. This comic has a nice faerie lady who is sprinkling pixie dust on an unsuspecting child. The child did not ask to be set upon by some supernatural entity, flinging pixie dust everywhere, this is an obvious invasion of personal space and tantamount to some form of mythological rape and should be treated as such. 20 years in the slammer!

Also how come no one spells fairy with an ae any more? It’s not often that we get to pair up these 2 alphabetic cousins side by side like this, (there are plenty of ea’s but not so many ae’s) so I think we should kick that pretentious i to the curb with its self important dot and welcome back the Latin ae.

Upon reading up on this for my glorious ae revolution, I find that the ae had its own ligature, where the 2 letters were bonded together like eternal brothers and considered a letter their own right as they are in Norwegian or Icelandic, And that many words (like Faerie) had their ae’s untimely ripped form their very anatomy, for example Archeology used to be Archaeology. But all this is just a very long way of saying, if we spell Faeries correctly then maybe they won’t rape us with pixie dust.