Lipstick

Halloween is nearly here so I hope you all have your costumes ready. On previous years I've avoided going out into town due to how busy it can be on Halloween night and how expensive it generally is to drink in bars and clubs rather than at home. This year's different however as I'm going to dress up as a drunk for Halloween. This means I can easily bring my own booze out as part of my costume! Two litre bottle of cider in hand, a bottle of cheap whiskey in a brown paper bag and a couple pint bottles of Stella hanging precariously out of each coat pocket. Genius! Halloween is probably the only night of the year when a homeless drunk can have a decent night out. Begging can get him a couple of quid (or he could liberate some roses from a garden and sell them to fellow drunken revelers to give to their one night stands) and pay his way into a club under the pre tense that he's in costume. Once inside all he has to do is play minesweeper and drink the dregs and half empty drinks left around the darkened venue. He could boogie on down, integrate himself into a party who have ordered a round of shots and swipe one before anyone notices! Come to think about it, Halloween's like Christmas for the homeless.

Creatures from the White Lagoon

Why do the KKK dress as ghosts? A quick look on Wikipedia tells you that the costumes are to hide their identities and to scare people. They may not be specifically dressed as ghosts but at Halloween their costumes probably get reused as ghost costumes. To try and get people to join their little racist ‘Klub’ the KKK have made it as exciting as possible. They have positions in the organization such as ‘Exalted Cyclops’ and ‘Grand Wizard’. Is it just me or does all the costumes, secret identities, Cyclops and Wizards sound a bit like some sort of fraternity of Super Villans? Has there ever been an issue of Spider-man where he takes down group of Klansmen as they try to lynch Storm, Luke Cage, The Black Panther and The Falcon (pretty much the only black superheroes I can think of)?

Also worth noting is that the Klan have a secret code for communicating. It’s completely genius, fool proof and not even slightly juvenile or retarded. They pretty much just replace the first few letters of every word with ‘KL’. Examples of these ‘code words’ are Klonversation (conversation), Klavern (a cavern or tavern), Klavaliers (cavaliers) and my personal favorite The Kloran (the KKK handbook). The original Kloran was written in 1915 and is made up of the words Koran and the traditional ‘KL’ slapped on the front. There may not have been many Muslims in America in 1915 but I’m guessing now they’re wishing they’d went the name KLible instead……..

Ghostbuster

Another horror themed comic for the run up to Halloween.

I remember a few years back I used to go to a club called the 'Limelight' (now imaginatively renamed 'Limelight 2'). Every week they played the same songs to the point where you could pretty much take bets on what song would come up next. They used to love playing the odd theme tune like Ghostbusters and the A-Team. Everyone would leap out of their seats when they started playing one. Everyone knows the ghostbusters theme, everyone loves it! Everyone would rush and pack the dance floor, eager to show the world though dance how much they love 80's TV shows and movies!

Once they got there however the reality would sink in. As they tried to 'bust a groove' to the ghostbusters theme they would realise that you can't dance to most theme tunes. You can't pull off some nifty dance moves to ghostbusters. All you can really do is march in time to the music, dully, for 3 minutes, pausing briefly to tell your friends that you 'ain't afraid of no ghosts'. Slowly but surely after 60 seconds of marching 90% of the people return to their seats and watch the awkward few march in time for the remainder of the song.

And if you think its hard to dance to ghostbusters, try the A-team. You can sing the tune in your head, it sounds exciting doesn't it? Try it on the dance floor, its particularly difficult when the voice over man starts telling you the back story of how they were 'accused of a crime they didn't commit' or whatever. Try dancing to what is essentially an audio book with backing music. So yeah, this comic has a zombie in it. Happy Halloween.

Editors note: I've since been back to the newly refurbished Limelight(2) and it appears theme songs are no longer on the menu. It still smells of armpits and ass though.

Nipples

Halloween is coming soon so I'm gonna try and post some Halloween themed comics. What would happen if all the classic horror monsters went on holiday together? I reckon they'd just hang by the pool all day. Dracula would be drinking sangria, staying in the shade. The wolf man would be topping up his tan. The creature from the black lagoon would be having a swim obviously. I wrote this comic after I noticed that my male dog has like a dozen nipples or something. 2 on a male human seems a bit weird but to give so many to a male dog just seems madness!

Big Boned

Not a lot to say about this comic. Apparently that penguin and Skeleton boy have some Photoshop skillz though. I got a new puppy last week. He’s a Pug and has a face like a dog that’s been hit by a shovel and eyes like a crack addict. Naturally the first thing I did was Photoshop (via an iphone app) it to look like Thor. Naturally.

Marrow Escape

Halloween is coming and the goose is getting fat which is why I've posted a horror themed comic. Are zombies the living dead risen from their graves or are they sufferers of plague or virus? Who knows? Who cares? I think I prefer the grave risen zombies, the more occult style ones. The other ones could conceivably claim DLA though. They are clearly too sick to work. They have low concentration and not much hand eye coordination. If anything we should feel sorry for that second category of zombies rather than judge and fear them.

Political

The problem with politicians is that anyone who wants to be one shouldn’t be allowed to be one. It doesn’t make sense. It’s such a dull tedious thankless task that only complete idiots with massive egos want to do it because of the perceived power or fame. When really, they all just end up being hated and caught out in a hotel bedroom with a horse mask on and 14 Vietnamese prostitutes by the Sun. The only interesting or memorable politicians are wartime ones like Hitler and Churchill and if you’re living under a wartime politician then they haven’t been doing their job very well have they?

Islam

Now I may have had my say about various beliefs in the past, poking fun Christianity for example or other belief systems with no basis on fact. Islam on the other hand is different. Unlike ALL other religions, it is very open discussion and is very much open to the idea that its holy book (which is the verbatim word of the one true God, praise Allah!) doesn’t have all the answers. Muslims are very much known for their willingness to hold up their hands and say ‘I don’t have all the answers, maybe we should see all the supporting evidence first’. Of all the religions, Islam is slow to anger and rational of thought. It is the one religion of which we have nothing to fear. I’d love to draw a nice big happy smiley picture of Muhammad, to represent Islam’s good nature but I think you get the idea.

Cold Feet

Today's comic features some dismembered feet. Currently my brain can't come up with anything more than that so that's going to have to do you. No stories about Dragons or Unicorns, no explaination as to why I've spelt Dragons and Unicorns with capital letters either. You're just going to have to accept this rather poor comic as this week's offering. Satisfied? Me neither.

Ghosts

There’s no such thing as Ghosts but there are such things as Zombies. I should know, I was one. They hired me for a period of about 6 months part time as part of the bridge to employment scheme from the job centre. I had to fill in all kinds of forms so that they could make sure I wasn’t some kind of weirdo. Then there was the police background check which took around 2 weeks. Pretty extensive. So next time you go criticising Zombies just remember that they are highly skilled individuals on their way back to the work force.