Cockeye

So we have a trailer for age of ultron and it looks pretty good. Hawkeye even has a big flappy bit on his costume like cockeye does here, hanging down by his legs. My brother Chris and I came up with the idea of cockeye on the train one day much to our amusement. It's taken a while for him to be transformed into a comic but at least we've found a use for hawkeye's old costume. Lets face it, he was never gonna wear that in the movies.

Ok so it's 2 flappy bits but you get what I mean

Frozen

What to say about frozen? Huh. Well it doesn't make a lot of sense for one. A good deal of the characters are annoying. That dude keeps doing a voice for his reindeer which is borderline schizophrenic. Theres not a lot of plot or danger (until the end) and Elsa just acts like a bitch for most of it. Why doesn't anyone just explain to the kids that Elsa's power are too dangerous? Why do her parents lock here away from her sister for at least a decade? It's madness, the whole thing. It's got songs though. Songs which will burrow a hole in your head and lay eggs. Cheers for that Disney. Cheers for letting your terrible move lay eggs in my head. Also it's all snowy so it can be categorised as a christmas movie which means it'll be on T.V. somewhere with its stupid ear worm songs every year. Thanks again Disney you dicks.

Dr. Strange

So Marvel has their Dr. Strange. First Sherlock then Khan now Strange. Benedict Cumberbatch is an odd name. Its like the most aristocratic of made up names. You couldn't even make it more ridiculous if you double barrelled it or even triple barrelled it. Benedict Cumberbatch-Camden-Jenkins. See? That's not even worse. It might even be better. It makes Englebert Humperdinck look like John Brown.

Wampa's Inc.

There are two things I think of when I think of the Wampa from The Empire Strikes Back.
The first is the story that the Wampa attack was created to explain Mark Hamill's facial injuries that he sustained during a car accident. This is apparently not true. The second thing I think of is the Wampug.

Children's Violin Lessons

People love an angry mob don't they? Northern Ireland is proof that people love nothing more than to take to the streets and break stuff. Pedophiles give people an excuse too as do paediatricians and Children's violin teachers.

Guns

How about that new Avengers film huh? What's that you say? Its been out for over a year? Well I didn't see you making a comic about it when it was in cinemas, its not my fault that my output isn't exactly topical, these things take time, I've been planning my wedding, designing invitations, getting portions of my lungs removed. I've been busy guys, cut me some slack huh? Hawkeye and Black Widow don't exactly fit in the Avengers do they? You could argue that they were there fighting aliens as part of shield but i didn't exactly see anyone else from shield fighting the aliens. I didn't see any army or military either. We did have some cops though and Captain America in his nice blue helmet that makes him look like a penis. Sorry cap but it really does. Aside from any phallic interpretations I thought the film was a lot of fun but what do you care what I think huh? I can't even be bothered to post a comic every Monday never mind one that's topical. Well maybe I'll have one on Scottish independence next week huh? Lets see how you like that!

Coming next Monday: A comic about American Independence (with heavy references to a film starring Will Smith released in 1996)

Raccoons

Pocahontas and Guardians of the Galaxy have a lot in common. Both have animated raccoons (Meeko and Rocket) and talking trees (Groot and Grandmother Willow). Ok maybe they don't have a lot in common but it was worth a try. I saw Guardians the other day (thats right I'm on first name terms with a movie, deal with it) and it was as good as expected with an excellent retro 70's soundtrack. Chris Pratt was great as Starlord, big Dave's wooden acting actually suited Drax's character and got a fair few (intentional) laughs. Groot was played by Vin Diesel for some reason, I'm guessing Vinny was just happy to be involved, lets face it I'd do mo cap for Groot for free if needed (although Howard the duck would be more my size) and saying I am Groot 40 times into the microphone isn't all that taxing......

Planet of the Apes

That last Planet of the Apes was pretty good, the one with James Franco in it obviously not the Tim Burton one. The Burton one is like a curious little oddity. Not unwatchable but not good by any means. Here's hoping 'Dawn' is just as good as 'Rise' was. When looking up chimpanzees in wikipedia I came across this piece of information. 'Bonobos frequently have sex, sometimes to help prevent and resolve conflicts' I'm thinking that might work for humans too. Maybe on the way home from the pub you can try it if you get into an altercation with some drunken miscreants. Or maybe we just leave them to it.

The Bard

Many people believe that Shakespeare's plays were written by someone else. These people are idiots. Shakespeare wasn't as popular as he is today in his own day. Why would someone need Shakespeare to pretend to write their plays? Why is shakespeare barred from every inn and tavern south of the the Thames? Why is his head shaped like an egg? We will never know the answer to any of these questions so its best if we just sit back and enjoy the show......

The First Elephant

This is an accurate portrayal of how woolly mammoths became extinct. All the clean shaven mammoths got all the girls. Mammoths faded out and elephants faded in.