Robocopy

So they're making a Robocop reboot (heh heh reboot, get it?) down in ol' Hollywood and in their infinite wisdom they've decided to make it a PG-13. I find that a bit odd. When you think back to the original among the many memorable scenes is Murphy's (spoiler alert) death scene where he is (spoiler alert) blown to pieces in the most terrifying and bloody fashion (it's also (spoiler alert) hilarious). Seems that a lot of the original charm of Robocop was the over the top ultra-violence of a robotic law man blowing criminals to kingdom come. This new one which I will admit has a lot of promising elements to it, Sam Jackson, Michael Keaton for example (and the suit doesn't look too bad either) has wimped out a bit. I reckon they want to sell a lot of Robocop toys and if its able to be shown to kids then they can sell more toys. I worry that they're missing the point a bit though. The R rated attitude of the original is one of its defining features, the bad guys are real sadistic bastards who get their comeuppance in a delightfully theatrical way. Making a PG-13 Robocop is  like a family friendly 'Human Centipede' cartoon. It kinda misses the point.

Super Mario Bother

Mario first appeared as Jump man in the first Donkey Kong game. Here he plays a carpenter with a pet ape. Apparently mario 'mistreats the ape' (its all on wikipedia folks, it wouldn't lie to us would it?) so Donkey Kong kidnaps his girlfriend Pauline and throws barrels at him (seems logical). What the hell is going on with that plot? You play a 'carpenter' who owns an 'ape'? If i had an ape i'd be shit scared of that thing. I wouldn't be casually mistreating it like Mario. Animal cruelty = rampaging apes is what this game teaches us if anything. I would have thought the hero in the game would be the mistreated ape rather than jump man. Breaking free of the shackles of slavery and oppression and finding someone to love. Seems Mario's just getting what he deserves. 
This smacks of a game that was made first and then they had to come up with the backstory after. At least it has a story we can understand. You should try playing Halo. I'm not even sure anyone knows whats going on there. Just shoot the aliens that's all you need to know. They stole a pack of cigarettes from the president of space or something.

Master Chief vs Master Chef

I'd really like to see Master Chef's Greg Wallace go at it with Halo's Master Chief. I recon Greg would have a good chance. No wait a minute of course he wouldn't. Master Chief would crush him like a bug and blast a hole in his face. But who could be mad at Greg? He's so jolly. Master Chief that's who. Lets hope they never meet. I'll give him Anthony Warroll Thompson's number instead.

Popcorn Fail

In reality this wouldn't really work the best would it? You'd be sitting there for ages with your lad in a box of popcorn hoping she'd touch it, then when the movie is over you'd have to somehow get everything back where it should be.

Pretty Fly

I have a dog that looks exactly like Seth Brundle from the fly. Actually that's not true he looks nothing like Jeff Goldblum , he looks like Brundlefly. Both man and fly ceased to exist when they stepped into that tele pod and Brundlefly was born. Something like this must have happened when my dog was born too.

Gold Digger

I think the joke with this particular song is that Kanye West is actually implying that said woman IS a gold digger. Kanye West (for the uninitiated) is a hilarious music making creature who has just had a baby with one or possibly all of the Kardashians. Hey also has a new album out called Yeezus which is a combination of the word Jesus and Yeezy (which is one of Kanye's nicknames that nobody uses but himself). I get the impression that he thinks if he uses it enough then it'll catch on. I got word for you Kanye no one ever called Prince 'Symbol'. I reckon he calls his wang Yeenis too.

God Hates Fags

In the interest of free speech I'm unable to look at the Westboro Baptist Church's website 'godhatesfags.com' on Translink's wifi service so this post is made up of information off wikipedia but I'm sure there's plenty more insane hilarious stuff on their website. They are widely described as a hate group and have been quoted as saying things like

'Jews are the real nazis' and ‘All the nations of the world would soon march on Israel', and that they would be 'led by President Barack Obama’ (who is the Antichrist and in league with Satan and the pope in an unholy trinity btw).

They seem to be absolutely OBSESSED with gays and sodomy and the like, OBSESSED. All I'm saying is that anyone I know who's that preoccupied with homosexual activities is gay themselves. People who like to cook generally aren't anorexic, yeah?

They picket all kinds of things to get media attention, mostly funerals (what god would have wanted).
They picketed Michael Jackson's funeral and recorded an adaptation of 'We are the world' called 'God hates the world'. They must have some fun times eh? Making colourful signs with pictures of men bumming on them, thinking up witty slogans and recording pop songs with offencive lyrics. (I hope the Jackson estate got a cut of any money that made). They seem like an all round bunch of swell guys and gals.

An Inconvenient Truth

I have pictures to prove this but the government took them off me. They were turning faeries into liquid and doves into soap. I also have pictures of how they make Lion bars, Caterpillar boots and you don't wanna know how they make Red Bull.

The Ten Commandments

The Ten Commandments are a bit weird. I've posted them below just for reference. If I was making a list of 10 rules for humanity to live by I'd make sure each one was gold. The first three are all bout how insecure he apparently is. The 4th is a day off which is nice. Nice to see we have a holiday in there. Interestingly the commandments weren't issued immediately, so presumably before moses people were just killing and coveting and taking the lord's name all over the place.

1.

You shall have no other gods before me.

2.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

3.

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.

4.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

5.

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

6.

You shall not murder.

7.

You shall not commit adultery.

8.

You shall not steal.

9.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

10.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.

Captain America

When Captain America throws his mighty shield! All those who oppose his will will surely yield! That's the words to the old Captain America cartoon theme tune which basically says all must yield to the will of this super soldier or die (kinda). It sounds a bit harsh but yield rhymes with shield so all's good. I always found it weird that Captain america is a drugged up super soldier, it wasn't an accident, he was pumped up with the comics version of super steroids.... it reads more like a super villain origin than a hero. So the only way to grow up big and tough like Hulk Hogan and Captain America is to eat your vitamins and take yer steroids kids!